encouragement
Don’t have anything interesting to write about at the moment, but if you ever have a spare moment, I’d recommend visiting the Xanga pages of nathansdad and AnneofAvenel (I know – mad old school). The first page is the blog of some dude named YM. He passed away a little over a year ago (from cancer, I think), and the most recent posts offer a small snapshot of the world through his fading eyes in his final days. The second page is his wife’s blog.
It’s been over a year since I last read them, but for some reason, they popped into my head today. After reading it through again, I think it’s safe to say that I’ve never read anything that even comes CLOSE to encouraging/motivating/inspiring me as much as the writings of this couple have, especially Anne’s entries from around the time of YM’s passing (5/6/08 – you’ve gotta go back a couple of pages, but it’s worth it). Crazy stuff, and not just because it’s a tear-jerker story. It’s sad as hell when you think about what they’ve had to endure, but the more you read, the clearer you can see the grip that the Gospel had and continues to have on the hearts of these people. In his final post, YM concludes by declaring that even in his sickness, he’s still “clinging to the cross.” I can only pray that I’ll be even half as faithful someday. Do yourself a favor and go check ‘em out.
kevin update
A thousand times I’ve failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I’m caught in your grace
Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing you praise
From The Inside Out – Hillsong United
It’s crazy how God works sometimes, man. These days, I’ve kinda been subconsciously realizing that I’ve been structuring my life less and less around the Gospel and more and more around other things – worldly things. You know how it is: you find yourself praying less often (which leads to relying on Him less), completely forgetting about your Bible reading plan (WHICH I KNEW WOULD HAPPEN and leads to a lack of spiritual nourishment), going through the motions of life without remembering what the cross symbolizes (which leads to a cold, joyless lifestyle) – stuff like that.
I know it sounds bad, but sometimes when I get in these funks, I know deep inside that it’s not good for me to keep on living like that, but I feel powerless to really change. In fact, I don’t even have the heart or strength to change at that point. Anyways, what I’m trying to say is that I’ve been walking that road recently and out of NOWHERE, God smacks me right in the face with the Gospel. And you know what he used? An MP3 of a three-year-old song that I’ve heard, sung, and played time and time again. Check this:
“A thousand times I’ve failed”
I’m more sinful than I could ever imagine even in my worst nightmares…
“Still Your mercy remains”
…but still the work and power of Jesus Christ is sufficient enough to cover over both my biggest failures and my biggest “accomplishments.”
“And should I stumble again”
And WHEN I screw up again…
“Still I’m caught in Your grace”
…Your beautiful cross will be there to save me again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again…
And that’s just the first verse. “Your will above all else / My purpose remains / The art of losing myself / In bringing you praise” is a pretty sweet line too. Maybe I’m just a sucker for good music, but I could literally stay up all night just trying to wrap my mind around what it means for me to truly be able to say/sing/pray those words. It blows my mind how you can hear a song 999,999 times, but on the millionth time, the lyrics can still cut straight to the core of your heart. Damn. Once Christ has you, He HAS you, man. And He sure as hell has me, and that’s the one thing that keeps me going in this f’ed up world (which shows me every once in a while that there can still be beauty in the broken). I’m convinced that there’s nothing else that has the power to break and restore a heart like the cross. The crazy thing is that I know I still have a long ways to go in terms of growing in the Gospel. Stay strong, guys. We’ve got a lot to look forward to.
And this totally kills the mood of my entry and has nothing to do with anything I just said, but I think I found the new Boyz II Men. Ladies and gentlemen… AHMIR!
Sick.
Hope yall are doing okay. ‘Til next time.
post-camp update
For anyone reading who doesn’t know me very well, every summer, I have the privilege of being a part of a team that puts its collective heart and soul into making a two-week camp happen for a wide range of children and teens. It’s been weeks since all the craziness finally ended, and I can say with zero hesitation that Camp was (yet again) the best two weeks of my year hands DOWN.
What makes Camp so special? What about those two weeks could possibly move a closed-off, prideful, cynical, complacent college kid like myself to devote basically his entire summer for a cause other than his own? I’d try to explain, but it’s already been done here (second grey box, starting with “PFC Camp 2006″) a lot more eloquently than I’d ever be able to put it, thanks to xcthionia. I guess pictures can speak a thousand words too. Simply put, it’s probably the closest thing to heaven that I’m ever gonna experience in this lifetime.
Where do we go? What do we say? What do we do?
Nowhere to turn, nowhere to run, and there’s nothing new
Where do we go for inspiration?
It’s like pain is our only inspiration
Where Do We Go (Feat. Res) – Talib Kweli
But let’s be real for a minute. It’s been less than a month since Camp ended, and I’m already drowning in all of the crazy problems and situations that this world constantly throws at me – things that literally keep me up until 5 freakin’ AM. I’ve got a weak and wandering faith, an inability to let down my walls and truly open up to others (which is a big reason why I’m blogging at all), a sister I barely know, a million random things to deal with, and on top of all that, school’s about to start in a couple of days. All too often, I find my life and my mindset echoing Kweli’s chorus. But the SECOND that that happens is the exact moment that I’ve forgotten about the promise of the cross.
The same power that conquered the grave lives in me, lives in me
Your love that rescued the earth lives in me, lives in me
You Are Here – Hillsong
These days, I’m learning just how critical it is that I constantly preach the Gospel to myself – the fact that the God of the universe loved me to the point that he sent His one precious Son to live the perfect life and to die the sinner’s death in my place. I’m convinced (but not nearly convinced enough) that this love is the ONLY thing that could ever offer hope to a broken sinner like myself and that this power is the ONLY thing that could ever transform me both inside and out. It’s only in the Gospel that I can stand and confidently live my life with the knowledge that the same power that literally brought a dead man back to life DOES live in me.
I don’t even know how to end this. I swear, keeping up with this blog thing is gonna kill me, but hey, you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do, and I believe that this is one of those things – a constant reminder to myself (and hopefully some others as well) of what Jesus has done for me and that I’m eternally His and He’s forever mine. Forreal, though, two hours to write four paragraphs is pretty sad. I’m out. Good night!
eh.
I swear, sometimes I just lie awake at night, depressed as hell. I’m sick of always being so conflicted inside. I see the person I want to be and then I see who I really am. I look at my relationships and see how much they’re limited by my selfishness and pride. I think about the things that I want so badly – things I would give anything for – and how frustrated I get when they all fall short every single time.
But, Jesus, You are immovable and constant. Let the love You showed me on Calvary wash over me. Give my struggling soul the grace to be able to trust in You.
Break me now.
do you not see the signs?
Do you want to watch it all fall apart?
Every time I walk, I watch, I look, I notice, I observe, I read the signs
And the signs are pointing in the wrong direction
The signs are not naming the streets or leading you to the highway – the signs are naming names
Tombstones to mark the dead of children not even born
And I don’t mean abortion, I mean what is to come
The signs are telling me to turn back around
The signs are telling me to to research my past
The signs are telling me to learn from my mistakes
The signs are asking me questions:
Do you want to watch it all fall apart?
Do you have any control? Is there anything that you can do?
Time is not a nice person
I know because the signs said it
Time can be generous, but ultimately, time is indifferent
Time does not give two damns or a fuck
So what will you do?
What will we do?
So I’m in the middle of the street talking to the signs
And people are looking at me, pointing and laughing like, “This motherfucker’s crazy”
But do they not see the signs?
Do you not see the signs?
If there is one thing in this world that you can depend on and you can bet your last dollar on, it’s the ignorance of the American people
But still I have faith
And still I read the signs
And they are indeed there
Some of us are lost and will not find our way no matter what the signs say
Some of us do not see the signs because we are too busy shopping
Some of us do not see the signs because we can’t help but stop and look at the accidents and stare
We are in a daze, we are amazed by the world’s displays
Some of us do not see the signs because we are giving spare change to the homeless
We are getting gas
We are volunteering for duty
And we are watching television
We are driving around in circles on spinners, and we are working eight to six
We are on our way to the club, we are high, we are drunk, and we are sober
And we do not see the signs
We are listening to a moron babble
We are listening to tongues that lie
We give them an ear, we give them a hand, we give them both eyes
So we cannot see the signs
Slow down, children playing in these streets and they cannot read the signs
They are only children
Stop
Stop
I fear there is no U-turn
And that this road dead-ends
Because we cannot read the signs
Do you not see the signs?
We must read the signs
And we must turn around
We must turn around
We gotta turn this shit around
And we gotta read the signs
The Sign (Feat. Pase Rock) – Nujabes
